Survivor: Revis Island

September 26, 2023

39 days. 18 castaways. Only 1 survivor.

I am pitching an idea to take 18 active NFL players, place them on a secluded island in the middle of nowhere and star them on the latest season of the reality show Survivor. What follows is my dream 18 NFL player ensemble of castaways to participate in the show. My only rule is that they must be on an NFL roster heading into the 2023 NFL season. There is a mix of entertaining players, annoying players, strategic players, and some just selected based on their physical features…good and bad.

So, without further ado, here is your cast for Survivor: Revis Island.

1.  Jamaal Williams

Far and away, the most entertaining player in the NFL. He would without a doubt be the star of the season. The man is allergic to a boring interview. Throughout the years we have learned of his love for anime, Pokémon and other nerd stuff. Survivor is known for their individual cut away scenes to different players, and I think Jamaal Williams’ cutaways would be the most entertaining by far. Easy choice here and probably the star of the season.

2.  Jimmy Garoppolo

Here we have our Godiva of eye candy for the season. Sex appeal is a big part of Survivor. Many competitors ditch clothes due to heat on the island, rain getting your clothes wet and a competitive advantage in challenges. We would only be so lucky to get all of that with Jimmy G. Without a doubt the sexiest man in the NFL, both men and women would enjoy watching Jimmy G play his game. I hope he only packs a Speedo, too.

3.  Cody Mauch

Following the hunk Jimmy G, I should very much follow that with possibly the most unfortunate looking player in the NFL. You probably don’t recognize the name at first, but go ahead and Google him and look at this yeti. Cody Mauch was a 2023 draft darling. And this is solely based on his looks. I wanted my Bengals to draft him, solely from watching his pre-draft interviews and profile. The guy is a scraggly lookin’ buccaneer who I’m sure could handle himself out on a secluded island. He’s definitely building the camp’s shelter.

4.  Willie Gay

This is a reality tv show in the year 2023. It is absolutely mandatory that we have a gay player on the cast. Unfortunately, Carl Nassib just recently announced his retirement, so I had to go with the next closest gay: presenting Kansas City Chiefs linebacker, Willie Gay. Surely to be the fan favorite of a certain demographic, Willie may not have as much star power as other castaways, but he could fly under the radar and play his game. A Willie Gay game.

5.  Kirk Cousins

I’ll admit, I didn’t watch QB1 on Netflix because I’m tired of Mahomes. But those that I know did watch the show mostly all agreed that Kirk Cousins kinda stole the show. He’s a weird dude. Bursting into weirdness stardom with his “You Like That!” moment when he was with the Redskins Commanders, Kirk has always seemed like the type of guy to just yell the most random things. I think that undiagnosed Tourette syndrome feel could be exactly what this season of Survivor needs. He’s also probably the whitest person on this list, so it would be funny to watch him get sunburnt.

6.  Dawand Jones

Here is another guy you may not be too familiar with, but go ahead, Google him as well. What you’ll find is a massive man built like the Sears Tower. Yes, I know it’s the “Willis” Tower now, but it’ll always still be the Sears Tower to me, damnit. Anyways, I’m solely putting Dawand on this list because of his size. I have no clue if his personality would fit. I have no clue how much strategy he would use. But what I do know is that he makes other big men look small. And that’s funny.

7.  Jalen Ramsey

Jalen Ramsey is known as one of the most confident players in the league. He also talks some of the most trash in the league. I mean, Christ, he even got the mild mannered A.J. Green to swing on him. He is one of two players I strategically put in here to be the villain. It is the most Survivor thing of all time to have such an unlikable player in the season that by the end everyone somehow ends up liking the player and saying that they “played a good game.” I think that could be Jalen Ramsey. Super competitive. Shit talking. Will do anything to move on. He will cause chaos and that’s what I want out of him.

8.  Quinnen Williams

One of the most social personalities in the NFL, Quinnen Williams’ character popped onto the scene during his draft year. Rocking the braces, he is most famous for the video where he sneezed, blessed himself and then thanked himself for blessing himself for his own sneeze. That is something you truly can’t script and that’s why he is perfect for a show like Survivor. An infectious personality that will surely become a fan favorite.

9.  Ja’Marr Chase

The main reason I am putting Ja’Marr Chase on this list is his honesty. The dude is one of the only players in the NFL that calls it like it is and speaks the truth when being interviewed. He doesn’t do cliches. He doesn’t talk in circles. He doesn’t hide anything. Ja’Marr will tell it like it is and that is why he would be great for our cast. It will surely cause issues within the game with other castaways. He would also have some of the more entertaining individual cutaways with his honesty. With so many characters, Ja’Marr’s brutal honesty will be a nice counter.

10.  George Kittle

Let’s talk about a guy that would actually be a good Survivor. George Kittle seems to fit that bill and be entertaining at the same time. A wrestling fanatic from Madison, Wisconsin who attended Iowa seems like a perfect fit for someone to survive in the wild. Without a doubt, he would be that one cast member who is always swimming out in the ocean trying to spear fish for food. He’ll stab a shark and bring it back to shore all excited, just for all the other castaways to say “I ain’t eating that shit.” Yeah, George Kittle will be a great cast member.

11.  C.J. Uzomah

One of the more underrated personalities in the NFL, C.J. started to show that off when he got a bigger role during the Bengals’ 2021 Super Bowl season. He signed a deal with the New York Jets last year, but got hurt. I think that really crushed his momentum towards being one of the more energetic personalities in the NFL. Hopefully he can stay healthy and be able to show that off a little more this year because I believe that’s one of the main reasons he signed in New York. But just an overall good, nice guy personality that will be a good mix with some of the characters and villains.

12.  JuJu Smith-Schuster

Let me set the record straight, I hate JuJu Smith-Schuster. Incredibly annoying. Loves attention and social media. Dances on the logos of other teams and then gets popped during the game, causing him to fumble and completely turn an entire franchise around. But all those things are why I’d be lying if I said JuJu shouldn’t be on the show. Love him or hate him, the guy loves to entertain and put himself out there. He could take his little TikTok dances to the island and try to balance out some of the overload of testosterone there. That’s why JuJu would be a good fit.

13.  Gardner Minshew

Mr. Minshew surely seems to have the personality to be a Survivor, but I’m mainly picking him because he looks like he belongs on Survivor. It’s the headband. Also, the mustache. If you’re unfamiliar with Survivor, they all get a “buff” that they have for the entire season. Some wear it around their arm, some around their chest like a tube top (Dawand Jones?), but some wear it around their head as a do-rag or headband. That’s why Gardner Minshew is here. He will replace his headband with a Survivor buff and he’ll look like he should win the whole damn thing. Look good, play good. And boy would he look good.

14.  Shaquille Leonard

Formerly known as Darius Leonard, this Colts linebacker is one of the fierier members in the NFL. He’s the heart and soul of the Colts and I think he would try to be that for his tribe in Survivor. He could succeed or it could be a disaster trying to fire up other alpha males. Regardless, this enthusiasm would be much needed in the season and he’s one of the first names I think of when I think of a fiery player.

15.  Eli Apple

Let’s talk about the other villain of the season. Probably the No. 1 villain of the entire season. Eli Apple is almost universally hated around the NFL. Not just by fans. The disdain for him has been constantly voiced by fellow players for most of his career. I haven’t seen this much hate for an Apple since Dawand Jones in the cafeteria at Ohio State. Eli Apple is overly confident and will cause so much controversy during the season. He kinda looks like the “look at me, I am the captain now” guy and that’s exactly how I picture him playing the game.

16.  Aaron Rodgers

Weird guy. I think people are starting to get sick of him with all his little bits and headlines over the years, but he seems like the type of guy to thrive in a Survivor setting. He already had his weird little darkness retreat thing or whatever it was. He’d try to be the “thinker” of the group and mastermind a whole plan. I think he would do a lot of lying and backstabbing during the game, because it sounds like it’s in his family’s genes. Annoyed by him or not, Rodgers could be snarky enough to be the final Survivor.

17.  Odell Beckham Jr.

A career that started on fire and has slowly phased out due to injury, he’s definitely one of the biggest celebrities in the NFL. Outside of just being a huge celebrity, he also seems to create some bizarre headlines. And frankly, that’s why he is on this list. The rumor is he has a poop fetish and an island with no toilets may seem like his paradise. Things could get weird quickly, but that’s what makes for entertainment. Will Odell get pooped on in Survivor: Revis Island? We shall see.

18.  Jon Weeks

So I thought it would be funny to do a random player generator and just take the first guy I get and add him to the list. I was hoping for someone completely random to give him a chance to be a star. Well, that kind of backfired on me…it landed on Josh Sills, a guard. At first, I thought it was going to work out swimmingly. But when I searched his name, the first thing that pops up is “Josh Sills acquitted on rape and kidnapping charges in Ohio.” Oof. That’s a pass. Not on my Survivor. So, I did a second randomly generated player and wide receiver Ty Fryfogle popped up. I remembered him from Indiana, but unfortunately, he is not on a current roster right now. He doesn’t fit the criteria. Now, third time is a charm, right? Boom. We land on Jon Weeks. He’s perfect in every way. The LONG SNAPPER for the HOUSTON TEXANS. That was exactly what I was hoping for. He attended high school in Arizona and received no scholarship offers, so he walked on at Baylor, then went undrafted, finally landing on the Texans. Now he’s a Pro Bowler. Jon has been Surviving his whole life. This game will be an absolute piece of cake for him. This show is what will launch Jon Weeks into stardom and finally peak his character arc. I know my winner…

So there you have it, the cast of Survivor: Revis Island. I’m sure there’s some of your favorite players I missed. Or popular guys that I left out. But I think I made solid cases for my 18 castaways.

Tweet @KBecks_ATC with your pick on who you think will win the season and the $1,000,000 cash prize. I hope it’s a running back, because Lord knows those guys don’t get paid!

Author’s note: I didn’t pick either Kelce brother because I am so sick of the Kelce brothers. Feed ‘em beans.

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