I Love The Masters, But…

The Masters Tournament, possibly the biggest event in a sport that the general public will not watch on any given Sunday save the Kentucky Derby, began today, with Northern Ireland’s Rory McIlory and Spain’s Alvaro Quiros currently tied atop the leaderboard. While I, along with countless other Americans, watch the tournament and pretend to actually know something about golf, there are a few grievances I feel I have the proper authority to sound off on. Bear with me, here…although these points are supposed to make you laugh, there is a good chance that some of my attempts will be in the bunker shots. For those of you looking to keep score at home, there’s number one…

1. Everyone is so far up the golfers’ ass, it’s ridiculous– Most of you probably didn’t tune into the Par 3 contest, but I did. And for what? To hear the commentators say about 25 times how great it was to see the trio of legends- Gary Player, Jack Nicklaus, and Arnold Palmer- hobble around the course two-putting every green. Once is enough, gentlemen. It didn’t stop there, though. Maybe Arnold Palmer is a generally funny man, but I doubt that he’s funny enough to make the crowd roar after every one-liner he cracks. These fans pay exorbitant amounts of money to attend this tournament, and they are brown-nosing so much that they can’t even smell the azaleas. Just once I’d like to hear someone from the crowd boo when someone screws up, like they do in every other sport on the planet.

2. Don’t bet against Tiger– I’d like to meet the man bold enough to seriously assert that Tiger isn’t on his short list to win the Masters. I’m not going to ignore the obvious; Tiger currently isn’t the player that he has been in the past. But please don’t tell me that you’re going with a “chic pick” to win the tournament. In golf. You just picked St. John’s to win the NCAA tournament back in March…how did that work out? That was in a sport you supposedly knew something about, too. Seriously, until Tiger puts away the clubs for good, he will always be on my short list to win.

3. Right on, Ryo Ishikawa– Dudes, Phil Mickelson isn’t your guy. Sure, he’s a much better family man that Tiger Woods, but… Charlie Sheen is arguably a better family man than Tiger, because at least he’s open about his relations with other women. No, your guy should be someone who is a true countryman, even though he’s probably not from your country. Ryo Ishikawa, the 19-year-old who is actually making something of his life (I’m getting on it, dad…), is giving all of his 2011 winnings to the relief effort in Japan. All of it. To give you an idea on just how much that might be, the teenager made $2.05 million in 2010.

4. Please don’t talk about your Fantasy Golf foursome– Earlier this week I heard one my local radio show hosts talking about who he had on his Fantasy Golf team for the Masters. Please, please don’t make the mistake that this radio host, who will remain nameless, made. Talking about your fantasy football team is bad enough. You’re not the owner of a real team. But bragging about having picked Rory McIlroy for your fantasy team is about as bad as some nine-year-old kid talking about the Charizard he has in his Pokémon collection. The only difference is, there is a ten-year-old kid out there somewhere willing to listen about Charzard, but there isn’t an adult anywhere who wants to hear about your Fantasy Golf team.

– K. Becks